What goes in...Must come out!

Women spend so much time worrying and stressing about how they are going to get a baby in their belly. They talk to friends, family and doctors about how to do so and all share their stories about what they did to make it happen. But what NOBODY talks about is actually getting the baby out! I hadn’t given it much thought myself until about a week ago. It all began while I was getting ready to shower and Shai came into the bathroom. What started with him telling me how pretty I look pregnant soon turned into us bursting into laughter about how ridiculous my body is. My belly has grown so much and I look like I could topple over at any given moment. Before I knew it, the laughter turned into tears as reality and fear set in…this baby needs to get out. I swear it was such a bi-polar moment. Shai managed to calm me down and promised I would be just fine and he would be right next to me holding my hand through it all. Even though I know he will be passed out on the floor when the time comes, his words helped me regroup and get the thought out of my head for the night.

However on Sunday night while watching The Kardashians the fear came back to haunt me. For those of you who didn’t watch it, Kourtney became obsessed with the idea of a home water birth and someone not only let her watch it live, but let the cameras in too so the rest of the world could watch as well. I’m not going to lie, for half a second I thought - hmmm that’s kind of a cool idea. That thought ended abruptly when I saw the girl scream and cry like she was being stabbed repeatedly. Umm NO THANK YOU! Inevitably the tears started streaming and the panic set in again. How am I going to get Baby Shustik out??

WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SCARED OF CHILDBIRTH OR DON’T WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN!!

If you ask most women about their birthing experience they will simply say it’s the greatest miracle in the world.  While I do agree that the beautiful baby that comes out is a miracle I think there are some details they’re neglecting to share.

Did you know:

·         The chances of your OB delivering your baby are slim

·         Your nishy WILL tear

·         There will be no hand holding during your epidural – You’re on your own honey!

·         The majority of women shit on the table?!  Yes, I did say shit!

·         Your asshole can literally rip while pushing?!

·         You have to actually deliver the placenta, which looks like an alien!

·         You will have a swollen, bleeding vag for days after the birth

I’m gonna guess you probably didn’t know any of this because no one is willing to talk about it!! You can all bet your ass that my first blog after baby Shustik comes out will be the brutal honesty on delivering a baby, so stay tuned! I hope I didn’t scare anyone too much but there is there is hope yet.  I can only speak from my sister’s experience as I was in the delivery room with her.  I always pictured it to be like the movies but fortunately I was pleasantly surprised. First of all, the delivery rooms are TINY, at least at Mt Sinai. I asked the doctor when we would move to the birthing room and he looked at me and notified me we were in it, Seriously? Second, there is so much waiting around. I always pictured being wheeled into the hospital kicking and screaming and within minutes pushing a baby out. Not the case at all. My sister was admitted at 10:45pm and Tyler wasn’t born until 11:03am then next day and there was no screaming at any point of the delivery. As soon as she felt any contractions she got an epidural (which she swore didn’t hurt at all!) and the doctor literally had to tell her she was having a contraction and that she needed to push. In between her brief pushes we were talking about everyday things, good restaurants in the neighborhood, the Miami football team and our plans for December vacation. At one point my brother in law told my sister to yell and curse so it felt like the movies…It was all just so calm. As Tyler was making his entrance into the world her doctor asked if either her husband or I wanted to watch. Like most men, he kindly declined (which I agree with, Shai will be waist up the whole time!!).  I then responded, “ Well I don’t have to bone her “ and made my way around to the front row seating. What I saw was incredible. It wasn’t gross or scary but amazing and as cliché as this sounds, a miracle. The tears flowed as Liat was introduced to her perfect beautiful baby boy. It was a day I will never forget and I can only hope to have as great a delivery as she did. The proof that childbirth isn’t all that bad is that most women do have more than one baby, and I’m happy to announce that Liat is now pregnant with baby number 2!!