One month down

So my boy Jagger Grey is officially 1 month old! I cannot even believe it as it has gone by so fast. This has truly been both the hardest and most amazing month of my life. When people tell you that your life will never be the same, I finally understand what they mean. EVERYTHING is different. I cant just run out to Walgreens to buy shampoo, or grab sushi last minute with a girlfriend or even take a shower without making sure either Shai or Gen Gen are here. The fact that something so simple as taking a walk with girlfriends entails a group of moms sending numerous emails about where and when to meet days before and when the time comes for the big outing, every single one of us bails because we simply cant get our shit together! However, I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I am so in love with this little boy who has consumed every waking and sleeping moment of my life. Now as much as I am in love with him, I need to be honest with all of you in that every moment isn’t rainbows and butterflies. On average I get about 4 hours of sleep a night, I get peed on almost every day, I still need to rock granny panties until my vag stops bleeding and I have been out of my sweatpants a total of 6 times in one month. Being a new mom is definitely not sexy! Aside from looking like shit, there are some moments where I just burst into tears because it's just too damn hard. For instance, last Wednesday I was all excited to go to my Big City Moms “support group” (a group of new moms meet once a week to bitch, vent and learn tips on being a mama) without Gen Gen and have an outing with my boy. I packed my diaper bag the night before like she taught me and was so excited when I made it out the door in less than 20 minutes (yes that is considered an accomplishment). I get to group and knew Jagger would be ready to eat in 10 minutes so feeling all confident I open my bag to take out his bottle and formula and my heart drops. I forgot the piece that goes in the bottle to prevent the formula from coming out too fast. I panicked!! A sweet girl in the group offered me her extra bottle but it was much bigger than the one I use and it intimidated me. I happened to have 2 newborn pre filled bottles from the hospital so figured I could use that. Ok crisis averted I thought. Well after 2 ounces Jagger started screaming! I realized it wasn’t the sensitive kind that he usually uses but I had no choice. He screamed and screamed for a solid hour but instead of thinking it was a stomachache I thought he was hungry so I decide to put him on my boob. Now keep in mind I produce NO milk and he hadn’t been breastfeeding in weeks. I’m not sure why I thought that was a good idea but at the time it made sense.  However, It made it 1000X worse. He cried the entire group and well through out the day, which lead to me crying the whole day too. We were a hot mess. By the time Shai came home I looked like I hadn’t slept in years with bags under my eyes that no amount of makeup would ever cover. I couldn’t stop crying telling him what a bad mother I am and how I cant do this. Somehow he managed to calm me down and make me feel ok that we had a rough one and tomorrow would be a new day. Now this story might sound pathetic to those of you who don’t have kids but I can honestly say it was one of the more stressful days of my life. A baby crying for 5 hours straight is TORTURE and not being able to calm him down is both frustrating and depressing. The next day he was back on track as his happy self and I had to come to terms that there will be some rough days but that’s what being a mommy is all about.

Any moment I’m feeling stressed about, like waking up in the middle of the night to feed him is all made better when I look into my sons eyes and see pure innocence and love. And there is NOTHING better than when he’s sleeping and I get a little smile from him, and yes I know its gas but it still makes my heart melt. I have never felt unconditional love like this in my life and I can only hope every single one of you gets to experience this. Jagger is my everything and I feel so blessed every single day.