The Storm

So you know the saying “when it rains it pours”, well these past 2 weeks have been a freakin hurricane! Let me take it from the top.

 About 2 weeks ago I’m about to give J a bath when all of a sudden I feel nauseous. I’m thinking it will pass but as the minutes go by it gets worse and worse. I look at Shai, tell him he’s on his own and make a beeline for the bathroom. I’m sitting over the toilet and nothing will come out but I feel like I’m gonna die. I decided to stick my fingers down my throat because something needed to come out (The only upside to having my adolescence destroyed by an eating disorder). I literally cannot stop throwing up. Once it finally stops I take a look in the mirror and think OMG, I’m pregnant. I share what just happened with Shai and he looks like he won the goddam lottery. He could not be happier.  While he’s busy naming our second child, I take a test and thank g-d its negative. However within days my family went down like dominos. First Kev, then Tyler, then Liat, damn stomach bug. I’m thinking somehow J is in the clear but no chance I’m that lucky. One afternoon after a play date I pick him up out of the stroller and this kid made me his bitch. He threw up ALL over me. It was honestly one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen and I felt so helpless. Fortunately for us he only threw up twice but let me tell you, it was 2X too many. As the days went on he wasn’t throwing up anymore but still a mess. He used to take an 8oz a bottle (yes my sons an animal) and I was now force-feeding him 4oz. It got so bad that some bottles he refused to take at all and we had to give him pedialite so he at least got electrolytes. This stomach bug was lingering in my baby big time.

The days were becoming really hard because feeding was so stressful. I literally wouldn’t breath during feedings because I was afraid any movement would make him stop. This went on for so many days that I was convinced he was trying to slim down for his first summer in the Hamptons. I finally got to ask Dr Barry and he said the world is just much more interesting to him now and he would rather look around than eat and being sick didn’t help him…awesome!

As hard as the days were, the nights were become a nightmare too. Jagger has been sleeping through the night (7pm-7am) beautifully for almost a month now but 2 weeks ago when the “storm” started his nights turned into a mess too.  He started waking up every single morning at 5am crying. We would look in the monitor and he seemed to be stuck in the top left corner of his crib. Sidenote- he sleeps on his tummy now that he rolls over so I think that makes it even harder to move out. How the hell does he even get all the way up there, the kid doesn’t crawl?!?! So for the first few nights Shai or I would move him back to middle of the crib and he would go back to sleep.  Once the bug happened we were afraid he was hungry because he was hardly eating during the day so I would feed him, then put him back down. Well this kept on going for days so we said no more food and we would just move him. Well after consulting with Donna (my guru from the Big City moms support group), I came to learn it’s a 4-month sleep regression. Seriously! WTF, Just as they start sleeping you get hit with this bullshit! So the new rule last night was to let him cry for up to 12 minutes, if he doesn’t stop only go in then and get him back to sleep. Well Shai and I were all ready to leave him and what does this kid do? He sleeps till 720 this morning! You literally never know what you’re going to get!

If this isn’t enough to call these 2 weeks a storm, Shai catches the bug yesterday. I’m pretty sure it’s a man thing, not a Shai thing but he has been the worst out of everyone! All he does is complain and wine like a little bitch and I can honestly say my 4 month old was more of a man about it than he was. As he finally started feeling better someone up there decides to hit me with the ultimate F U and after 15 months thought it was a good time for me to get my period. Holy Shit!!!!! To say this has been a rough 2 weeks is an understatement. I must deserve a medal, or at least a cookie cake.

The craziest thing about this all, is that at the end of every long hard day, I plant a fat French kiss on my son’s mouth and tell him I love him more than life, because I do. He has my heart forever and he is my everything.

Milestones!

Every new experience your baby has is so exciting. The first time they hold your finger, the first time they smile at you and yes, the first time you get peed on is an exciting day too. I can honestly say this week has been the most monumental in Jaggers entire 16 weeks of existence. Side note- how has he only been in my life for 16 weeks! It feels like he’s been a part of my life forever! Anyway back to the story, in exactly 1 week my son had his first real giggle, rolled over and started sleeping through the night! Is that normal to have so many milestones at once?! Well for my Jagger boy it is and each one was amazing in its own way.

 Let me start with his first giggle. I get weekly emails from BabyCenter and the bump and as of his 11^th week it was saying he should be giggling. Being a crazy Jewish mama I started wondering why my boy wasn’t giggling. Was he depressed? Was I not fun enough for him? After asking Shai almost every day for a week I realized I’m being crazy and reminded myself that each kid develops at his own pace and I finally got over it. He was handing out smiles left and right and I should shut up and take it. On Saturday we are hanging out at Liats apartment with my parents in town from Florida and Kevin (her husband) parents here from South Africa all just playing with the kids. His mom was making funny noises at J and he just burst into laughter! I was DYING! It was the best sound I have ever heard and brought us all a huge smile. I seriously cant wait for all you new mamas out there to hear your baby giggle because it is the BEST!

Now the roll over story is one that makes me a little bit sad. While Gen Gen is away on her last baby nurse job, I have this amazing girl Ali who comes 2x a week so Mama can have a little break. She came yesterday morning so I headed out and went to the gym. On the way home I bumped into Shai on the street and he tells me “something big happened today” and proceeds to tell me that our boy rolled over. I literally yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in the middle of the street because I couldn’t believe I missed it. I’m with this kid 24/7 and he decided to do tricks while I try burn off my baby fat. The good news was that Ali saw it coming and somehow got it on video, so while I was getting my legs waxed I watched my son roll over for the very first time. And yes, for those of you wondering, I cried watching it and I’m sure the very nice lady at the threading place thinks I’m psycho.

Now for the very best moment yet…Jagger is sleeping through the night- wooohoooo!!!!! I have been waiting for this moment since the day he was born when a full nights sleep went out the window. We had spoken to our pediatrician at his 8 week check up about sleep training and while he is ALL for crying it out, he says feed on demand till he’s at least 12 weeks and showing signs that he can do it, like sleeping 8 hour stretches at night. In our house whatever Dr Barry says goes, so my little doll was happily chugging a 6 ounces at 4am every night. At our 3-month appointment we re-addressed the sleep issue and we went home with a homework assignment. We needed to put J down after his 7pm bottle awake. This was going to be a challenge because come 6pm this boy starts fading and ALWAYS fell asleep on the bottle, then we would put him down and he would sleep till his middle of the night bottle so we thought nothing of this. Ok it was time to switch things up in the Shustik house. We started feeding him with the lights completely on while having semi loud conversations in order to keep him up and it worked. The first night we put him in he cried for 4 minutes, stuck his thumb in his mouth and was out. We couldn’t believe it. For the next few nights we did the same and J was a champ, he would roll around and “talk” for a few minutes then fall asleep. Phase 1 complete and not bad at all! We were now ready for the cry it out for the 4am bottle which I was dreading! Its one thing to hear my baby cry at 7pm while Shai’s up and were eating dinner and can talk to each other but I was terrified for this one. Shai asked that we wait to start this on a Friday because he wouldn’t be able to work after a night of screaming and I agreed. However J threw a curve ball at us. That night that we discussed it (last Wednesday) he decides to wake up crying at 1230. This was very weird because he hadn’t had at 1230 bottle for weeks now. I look at Shai and tell him the plan has changed and we had to start now. I did as Barry said, I waited 5 minutes then went in and rubbed his belly for 20 seconds, told him I loved him and walked out. HOLY SHIT I have never heard this kid cry so hard. He said we can keep going in at 5-10 minute intervals if we wanted but I saw how much worse it made him and I realized I needed to just let him cry. FML! Shai lay there with a pillow over his head and I sat up with my hands over my ears staring at the monitor and clock preying it would stop. It lasted for 36 minutes with very few intervals of calmness and finally he gave up and crashed. This was probably the hardest 36 minutes of my life. I started thinking maybe he was hungry or something’s wrong, will he hate me? Am I fucking him up? But I had to keep reminding myself that Liat did it with Tyler and he is one of the happiest kids I know. Ok I figured we are in the clear for the night but I was wrong. 416am rolls around and he’s crying again! I took a deep breath and waited. This time it lasted 16 minutes. I was so tempted to go in and feed him but knew if I did that the previous cry session would have been a huge waste and he would always think I was coming in. Kids are a lot smarter than we think! So I finally got myself back to sleep and the second he woke up the next morning at 7 Shai and I both ran in there together, looked over the crib and Jagger flashed us the biggest smile. Ahhh what a relief. He didn’t hate us!!! Thursday night rolls around and I am DREADING it. We put him down, have our night get in to bed and although I was asleep, I was waiting for the screams to begin. All of a sudden I wake up at 620 and realize, he’s not only still asleep but didn’t make a peep the whole night! I was so excited, proud and most of all shocked!  Every night this week he has gone down at 7ish and I don’t hear from him till 6ish in the morning, with the exception of Tuesday nights 10 minutes of crying at 430 (not sure what that was). Let me tell you, its life changing to get a full nights sleep! Maybe I'll even get out of my leggings one of these days...Maybe.

I’m sure many of you out there are thinking I’m a cold bitch for letting a baby cry and believe me it was NOT easy but I think its important for babies to learn to self soothe and to give them a chance to gain independence (when its age appropriate of course). Co sleeping or feeding on demand till Jagger is one is not something I wanted to do and I am very happy with my decision.  Now don’t any of you go putting evil eye on me because mama needs her sleep!!

And we're at 12 weeks!

You guys probably don’t even remember me as it has been SO long since I’ve written but I’ve been a little busy these past few weeks..Nothing major, I just have a 12 week old consuming my every waking (and sleeping) moment. So you guys really understand what being a new mommy is, I’ll set up the scene for you as I write this blog. Its 930am, my son is in the crib taking a nap (yes - a nap at 9:30AM) and I'm sitting in bed, still in my pjs, hair up in a messy bun with my teeth still un-brushed. I would say this is a pretty typical morning in the Shustik house and I am semi embarrassed to say it out loud. I see some new mommies in full hair and makeup with their high heels on and I seriously have so much respect for them. How the hell do they do it!?!? I have finally come to terms that leggings and a sweater are decked for me and if I have blush and chap stick on, I’m all dolled up and feeling fab…it’s pathetic. This is what brings me to what Shai and I have described our new life as..It’s the NEW normal. I used to wake up, leisurely make my way to the gym, meet a girlfriend for lunch, play with Tyler, hit up Bloomingdales and call it a day. Now, it’s a miracle if I eat a meal sitting down and make it into a store without my boy crying that he's too damn hot in all his layers. But I have to say, I wouldn’t change this life for anything in the world. Having a baby changes everything and while there are definitely some moments where I dream of my old fabulous life, where if I got hungry, we simply go out for a meal, I then look at my son and nothing in the world matters but him. Yes, I have become one of those sappy mamas’s who is obsessed with their child and he's all I talk about all day every day.

 For those of you who don’t stalk me on Facebook or instagram (and why wouldn't you) you should know my son is a rock star. He was actually born with a Mohawk! For all of you always ask me what we use in his hair, most days its au natural but for special occasions daddy styles it with Aquafor. He has big beautiful blue eyes (my dream come true) and is a spitting image of his handsome daddy. Apparently I was just the carrier because if you guys didn’t see Shai, you would think he was adopted. We look NOTHING alike, however according to Shai he pouts just like his mama. Yes he will be manipulating me his whole life with that little pout just like I do to Shai. He is the love of my life and because of what an amazing little boy he is, Shai wants 6 more of him and in an ideal world, he would like me to be pregnant again tomorrow. While I want at least 2 more I don’t think I'm ready just yet as having a baby is a lot of work, a lot of sacrifices and lot of sleepless nights!

Lately Shai and I have been down each ohers throats, more like me down his, because I am just so overwhelmed with all the little things that need to get done that need to keep my baby boy alive and well. Shai and I finally worked out a system this week and it has helped us so much. I used to do all the middle of the night feedings, plus the first one in the morning, wash all the bottles and spend the entire day with him, which don’t get me wrong, its amazing but is also exhausting. I was starting to get cranky and become that annoying wife who bitches at her husband when he walks through the door..ugh! So my problem-solving husband and I sat down and made a plan that would work better. J is now down to 1 feeding in the middle of the night so we do the 7pm bottle together, I do the 3am bottle and once Jagger is up in the morning, Shai feeds him, dresses him for the day and lets me sleep till about 8ish. Let me tell you, this has been life changing!! I feel so much more rested and happier and Shai and I are finally in sync. See it’s all about compromise and seeing what does work and what doesn’t and making the best out of the “new normal”.

I can truly say these last 6 weeks have been incredible (I'm the first to admit that the first 6 are uneventful and scary). He is smiling ALL the time and we have little conversations all day long. While I realize its just random noises he makes, I swear we get each other and we will sit and gossip all day long). I sound like a crazy person don’t I?  This is why it's very important as a new mom to keep yourself busy and socialize as often as possible so you don’t go stir crazy. We go over to Liat’s all the time so all the boys can “play”. Did I mention that we literally live 4 steps from each other now as our apartment downstairs flooded 2 weeks ago...Don't ask. So when she moved into a 3 bedroom when baby Ryder came along, we moved into her apartment until our new apartment is ready in June. Yes my life is constant chaos and by the time J is 6 months he will have lived in 3 different apartments already! Anyway, I also go to my moms group through Big City Moms once a week which I HIGHLY recommend to all new moms, and we have play dates as often as possible. Anything to get us out of the house and talking to other people besides each other all day!

 I can literally go on for hours about all the changes we have made in our lives for him, but it’s all irrelevant. The point is baby changes everything and you need to be ready to be truly selfless. No one matters but him and he has brought more happiness in 12 weeks than anything in my 29 years of existence. So to those new moms out there feeling overwhelmed and stressed, just remember how lucky you are and start counting your blessings. Before we know it they will be out of the house, married and want nothing to do with us…Kill me!

One month down

So my boy Jagger Grey is officially 1 month old! I cannot even believe it as it has gone by so fast. This has truly been both the hardest and most amazing month of my life. When people tell you that your life will never be the same, I finally understand what they mean. EVERYTHING is different. I cant just run out to Walgreens to buy shampoo, or grab sushi last minute with a girlfriend or even take a shower without making sure either Shai or Gen Gen are here. The fact that something so simple as taking a walk with girlfriends entails a group of moms sending numerous emails about where and when to meet days before and when the time comes for the big outing, every single one of us bails because we simply cant get our shit together! However, I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world. I am so in love with this little boy who has consumed every waking and sleeping moment of my life. Now as much as I am in love with him, I need to be honest with all of you in that every moment isn’t rainbows and butterflies. On average I get about 4 hours of sleep a night, I get peed on almost every day, I still need to rock granny panties until my vag stops bleeding and I have been out of my sweatpants a total of 6 times in one month. Being a new mom is definitely not sexy! Aside from looking like shit, there are some moments where I just burst into tears because it's just too damn hard. For instance, last Wednesday I was all excited to go to my Big City Moms “support group” (a group of new moms meet once a week to bitch, vent and learn tips on being a mama) without Gen Gen and have an outing with my boy. I packed my diaper bag the night before like she taught me and was so excited when I made it out the door in less than 20 minutes (yes that is considered an accomplishment). I get to group and knew Jagger would be ready to eat in 10 minutes so feeling all confident I open my bag to take out his bottle and formula and my heart drops. I forgot the piece that goes in the bottle to prevent the formula from coming out too fast. I panicked!! A sweet girl in the group offered me her extra bottle but it was much bigger than the one I use and it intimidated me. I happened to have 2 newborn pre filled bottles from the hospital so figured I could use that. Ok crisis averted I thought. Well after 2 ounces Jagger started screaming! I realized it wasn’t the sensitive kind that he usually uses but I had no choice. He screamed and screamed for a solid hour but instead of thinking it was a stomachache I thought he was hungry so I decide to put him on my boob. Now keep in mind I produce NO milk and he hadn’t been breastfeeding in weeks. I’m not sure why I thought that was a good idea but at the time it made sense.  However, It made it 1000X worse. He cried the entire group and well through out the day, which lead to me crying the whole day too. We were a hot mess. By the time Shai came home I looked like I hadn’t slept in years with bags under my eyes that no amount of makeup would ever cover. I couldn’t stop crying telling him what a bad mother I am and how I cant do this. Somehow he managed to calm me down and make me feel ok that we had a rough one and tomorrow would be a new day. Now this story might sound pathetic to those of you who don’t have kids but I can honestly say it was one of the more stressful days of my life. A baby crying for 5 hours straight is TORTURE and not being able to calm him down is both frustrating and depressing. The next day he was back on track as his happy self and I had to come to terms that there will be some rough days but that’s what being a mommy is all about.

Any moment I’m feeling stressed about, like waking up in the middle of the night to feed him is all made better when I look into my sons eyes and see pure innocence and love. And there is NOTHING better than when he’s sleeping and I get a little smile from him, and yes I know its gas but it still makes my heart melt. I have never felt unconditional love like this in my life and I can only hope every single one of you gets to experience this. Jagger is my everything and I feel so blessed every single day.