Here come the waterworks!

I think I need to buy stocks in Kleenex because I can’t stop crying. I don’t know if its all the hormones flowing through my body, exhaustion because I haven’t slept through the night in 5 months or I’m just plain scared. Whatever it is, I don’t like it. This all started about a week ago and I literally cant stop. I’m generally fine during the day, going about my regular activities of playing with Tyler, doing errands and going to the gym. But once the sunsets and I start to wind down, reality sets in and I start to bawl. For starters I have become terrified of the delivery. I’m not sure when this fear started but the thought of being in a hospital with an IV in my arm, an epidural in back and a catheter up my nish is really freaking me out! I’m not even afraid of needles or blood so what is wrong with me?!  Once I get past getting pricked and prodded I need to actually get the baby out which brings a whole new set of problems. What if the babies head doesn’t fit (according to our growth scan its “slightly larger than average”, thanks Shai!) or what if there is some crazy complication putting me or the baby in danger, Yes these are the things I’m constantly thinking about and its making me nuts!

Now lets say I get through the delivery and god willing all goes well…I’m now a mother! Holy shit! It’s no longer about Shai and me but I will be responsible for a baby’s life..How can I be responsible for a baby when I am still a child myself?? I run to mommy and daddy for all my problems and now someone is going to run to me. Will I have the right answers? Will I be able to help them? Keep them happy? I have become terrified about what kind of mother I will be and how to make sure I don’t royally f*ck this kid up. I keep hearing mothers intuition kicks in as soon as you see your baby and I am praying it does. I have had amazing practice with my nephew Tyler and I love him with all my heart but at the end of the day, I get to go home to my quiet apartment. When you have a baby you don’t get to go home to a quiet apartment, craziness and chaos becomes your reality.

Now that being said, I have also never been more excited for something in my whole life. In less than six weeks I get to meet this little baby that has been growing in my belly for last 34 weeks and I cant wait. I can’t wait to see if it’s a boy or a girl, if it has my skin or Shai’s nose and if my heart can possibly grown any bigger than it already is. Baby Shustik, as much as you scare me, I already love you more than know and I promise to do everything I can to keep you safe and happy.