I’m
not gonna lie, I’m selfishly writing this blog for myself but am pretty sure
everyone out there will be able to relate to this post weather you have a baby
or not.
Where
do I even begin…when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I look sad,
drained, exhausted and skinny. No, not the I have a baby and got my body back
skinny, more like that I don’t have the energy to make myself lunch nor do I
care. I am not proud of the place I am in but I am finally being honest about
it. I live die and breathe for my son. I wake up to the sound of his wines, I
spend the day feeding him, changing him, playing with him, reading to him and
go to sleep thinking about him. Does this make me a good mom? For a year now I
thought it did. I was sure that if I spent every moment of my life engrossed in
my son, I would be the best mom out there. I took this job on almost exactly
one year ago and I went full steam with it. I was determined to be the best and
what I am finally realizing today is that in my attempts to be this mom, I fell
short in so many ways. I lost the most important person, myself.
When
I read the words out loud I feel like I sound selfish but after numerous
conversations in the past few days with friends, family and doctors (yes it
been an intense few days) I finally realize that its anything but. If I don’t
take care of myself, how can I take care of my home, my husband and most
importantly my son? This past weekend over
an argument with Shai I finally hit a brick wall and realized I cant live my
life like this anymore. I have no life outside of my son. My moods are affected
by if he ate his lunch, had a good nap, enjoyed music class or participated in
gym class. I don’t sleep at night worrying that if he has a bad morning, our
whole day is ruined or that he refused to nap in the crib and were gonna have
to stroller nap it yet again tomorrow. I have become obsessed with everything
in his daily life because the sad truth is, I have nothing else going on in
mine. The thought of going out to dinners sounds exhausting and I am so
unmotivated to do anything fun. When I do have free time (Shai insisted I hire
a nanny 2 full days a week in addition to my baby sitter for a few hours the
other day) I stick around to make sure Jagger is ok, his food is cut up small
enough, he has a good nap and that he is happy. So while its very sweet of Shai
to get me the help, I’m too stubborn and crazy to accept it and for once, just
let go. I am a control freak, have been my whole life and probably always will
be but for the first time its not only affecting my life but Shai’s and even
worse Jagger’s.
I
used to look at other women who are stay at home moms and think how crazy it is
that they have nannies while they are home all day anyway. Today I realized
why…its because they deserve some alone time and so do I. I have been ashamed
for so long that I need help because I felt like it meant I failed. I couldn’t
do it alone, I’m a bad mom. But once this light bulb went off, well it was more
like people around me telling me what I needed to hear I have FINALLY come to
terms that I am not supermom. I can’t physically do it all and to be honest
with you, I don’t want to. After hours and hours of talking to my dad (I’m not
sure what I would do without him) we decided I need to start doing things that
make me feel good outside of my role as mommy. I’m starting to go back to do
yoga, meet friends for lunch, get facials and focus on Liat and I’s new
business. I need to be around other adults who can actually have a conversation
with me and stimulate my brain just a little bit. I have finally accepted that
I have an incredible support system around me and I need to take advantage of
that and I plan to. So if you see me at Equinox taking a class or at Chopt
having lunch with friends I’m not a bad mom for being away from Jagger, I’m a
good mom for taking care of myself. Wow, I feel like weight has been lifted off
my shoulders and now you all know how truly fuckin crazy I am. OYE!
Now
on a lighter note, my son is 1!!!! Holy shit..Where did the time go? This has
honestly been the most challenging, exciting, fun and crazy year of my life and
looking back I wouldn’t change it for the world. Jagger is the shit. He has an
amazing personality and puts a smile on everyone’s face that sees him. He has
become such a little person! He loves music and animals (primarily pigeons,
eew), gives a mean French kiss and is obsessed with his penis. He loves playing
with his cousins and literally cannot sit still for one second. He is officially
off bottles as of Tuesday and I will definitely not miss washing those! He has
zero interest in walking but has so much language its crazy. He tells you a cow
says moo a lion says roar, he calls DOG every time he sees one and loooooves
positive reinforcement and attention. He is so my son. He is an incredible soul
and truly my greatest accomplishment yet. I hope in this next year as mama I
can learn to go with the flow, relax a bit more and as my brother in law says,
CTFD…Calm the f*ck down. Mommy hood is an incredible adventure and its
important to take a step back here and there and see how blessed we really are.
