And I'm back...

It’s hard to believe what a few months, a kick in the ass and a solid support system can do. My life today is in a completely different place that it was when I wrote my last blog. It is now very obvious I was dealing with some post partum depression  ( I HATE that word!), which is apparently very common when your baby turns 1, as your hormones finally level out from pregnancy. Unfortunately no one had told me this. I was pretty much in panic mode wondering why I had no energy to preform day-to-day tasks, why I would cry at the drop of the hat and why my weight plummeted to a frightening number. Well I am proud to say I’m reporting from the other side and it feels fuckin good! Things that used to stress me out like dealing with a squirming child during a diaper change or a picky eater is now a thing of the past. I have come to realize that every day, actually every minute brings along a new challenge and the only thing to do is smile through it...Or you will lose your shit like I did. I specifically remember Jagger going through a crazy food strike. I would seriously make him 7 different dinners and night after night all he finally ate was a peanut butter sandwich. After weeks of stressing I finally realized I needed to stop trying to force him to eat chicken and meatballs and what not and just give him the damn sandwich first. Well after a few days it was a thing of the past and he now inhales “mamas meatballs”, kale smoothies and pretty much anything I give him. At the time of the strike it felt like the end of the world but If I would have just stopped being so stubborn and listen to my son my nights would have been a lot easier. This rule goes into almost every aspect of his life now. I listen to his needs and wants and stop trying to mold him into what I think he should be. I just don’t budge with sleep, he’s in his crib at 645pm and his little ass isn’t coming out till 7am J

I think part of the problem is that almost all of us go into motherhood with the misconception of what it really means. We believe our kids will adapt to our lives, play by themselves and let us sleep in when we are hung over. Sadly this isn’t the case and a baby is not an accessory, a Chanel bag is. Once you have accepted that your life will never be the same, you have conquered half the battle. I truly think anyone who is considering getting pregnant or has a baby on the way should do an apartment swap with a friend who has a kid for the weekend. Its truly the only way to get an idea of what you are really about to take on. This past weekend Liat and Kevin (my sister and her husband) had a wedding in Delaware. Our usual babysitters stayed at their apt for the weekend to watch Tyler (3.5) and Ryder (14 months) with the help of Shai and I. They are the same girls who have been watching our kids for years and are young and full of energy. They did an incredible job but by the time Sunday rolled around they could hardly move and repeatedly told me how much respect they have for Liat and I that we do this everyday! They usually just see the kids for 3 hours at a time and had no idea what it means to be “on” 24/7. They both agreed it was the best birth control and they no longer feel like they neeeeeeeeed to get married and have kids tomorrow. Shocker ;) Something for you all to consider!

Now as hard and exhausting as being a mother is, there is absolutely nothing else in life I would rather be doing. It is the most amazing feeling to hear my son wake up and call out Mama and Dada and see the enormous smile on his face when we come in. I am in awe of the fact that he is always so excited to see me and greets me with me a huge hug and a delicious kiss on the lips as if he hasn’t seen me in years. He never ceases to amaze me with all the knowledge he absorbs and how every day I am able to teach him new words, animal sounds and actions. Babies are truly remarkable like that. He knows how to hail a cab and call out taxi, he can’t help but dance when music comes on and he is always feeding and kissing his stuffed animals and books. He is seriously just the sweetest little boy in the world. We have so many inside jokes and he thinks I’m the funniest person alive. He is truly so smart and such a fast learner, however I’m pretty sure he will be crawling down the aisle at his wedding! No Jagger isn’t walking yet and I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime too soon. He walks all along furniture and stands alone in the bath but the kids got no balls to just let go and walk.  Can’t win em all. Jagger is truly the light of my life and I am so glad I am finally able to enjoy every little moment with him. I am constantly asked when I’m going to go for baby #2 but I honestly don’t think I can love another child they way I love Jagger, my heart feels like its going to explode every day.

We made it 1 year!!!

I’m not gonna lie, I’m selfishly writing this blog for myself but am pretty sure everyone out there will be able to relate to this post weather you have a baby or not.

Where do I even begin…when I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I look sad, drained, exhausted and skinny. No, not the I have a baby and got my body back skinny, more like that I don’t have the energy to make myself lunch nor do I care. I am not proud of the place I am in but I am finally being honest about it. I live die and breathe for my son. I wake up to the sound of his wines, I spend the day feeding him, changing him, playing with him, reading to him and go to sleep thinking about him. Does this make me a good mom? For a year now I thought it did. I was sure that if I spent every moment of my life engrossed in my son, I would be the best mom out there. I took this job on almost exactly one year ago and I went full steam with it. I was determined to be the best and what I am finally realizing today is that in my attempts to be this mom, I fell short in so many ways. I lost the most important person, myself.

When I read the words out loud I feel like I sound selfish but after numerous conversations in the past few days with friends, family and doctors (yes it been an intense few days) I finally realize that its anything but. If I don’t take care of myself, how can I take care of my home, my husband and most importantly my son?  This past weekend over an argument with Shai I finally hit a brick wall and realized I cant live my life like this anymore. I have no life outside of my son. My moods are affected by if he ate his lunch, had a good nap, enjoyed music class or participated in gym class. I don’t sleep at night worrying that if he has a bad morning, our whole day is ruined or that he refused to nap in the crib and were gonna have to stroller nap it yet again tomorrow. I have become obsessed with everything in his daily life because the sad truth is, I have nothing else going on in mine. The thought of going out to dinners sounds exhausting and I am so unmotivated to do anything fun. When I do have free time (Shai insisted I hire a nanny 2 full days a week in addition to my baby sitter for a few hours the other day) I stick around to make sure Jagger is ok, his food is cut up small enough, he has a good nap and that he is happy. So while its very sweet of Shai to get me the help, I’m too stubborn and crazy to accept it and for once, just let go. I am a control freak, have been my whole life and probably always will be but for the first time its not only affecting my life but Shai’s and even worse Jagger’s.

I used to look at other women who are stay at home moms and think how crazy it is that they have nannies while they are home all day anyway. Today I realized why…its because they deserve some alone time and so do I. I have been ashamed for so long that I need help because I felt like it meant I failed. I couldn’t do it alone, I’m a bad mom. But once this light bulb went off, well it was more like people around me telling me what I needed to hear I have FINALLY come to terms that I am not supermom. I can’t physically do it all and to be honest with you, I don’t want to. After hours and hours of talking to my dad (I’m not sure what I would do without him) we decided I need to start doing things that make me feel good outside of my role as mommy. I’m starting to go back to do yoga, meet friends for lunch, get facials and focus on Liat and I’s new business. I need to be around other adults who can actually have a conversation with me and stimulate my brain just a little bit. I have finally accepted that I have an incredible support system around me and I need to take advantage of that and I plan to. So if you see me at Equinox taking a class or at Chopt having lunch with friends I’m not a bad mom for being away from Jagger, I’m a good mom for taking care of myself. Wow, I feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now you all know how truly fuckin crazy I am. OYE!

Now on a lighter note, my son is 1!!!! Holy shit..Where did the time go? This has honestly been the most challenging, exciting, fun and crazy year of my life and looking back I wouldn’t change it for the world. Jagger is the shit. He has an amazing personality and puts a smile on everyone’s face that sees him. He has become such a little person! He loves music and animals (primarily pigeons, eew), gives a mean French kiss and is obsessed with his penis. He loves playing with his cousins and literally cannot sit still for one second. He is officially off bottles as of Tuesday and I will definitely not miss washing those! He has zero interest in walking but has so much language its crazy. He tells you a cow says moo a lion says roar, he calls DOG every time he sees one and loooooves positive reinforcement and attention. He is so my son. He is an incredible soul and truly my greatest accomplishment yet. I hope in this next year as mama I can learn to go with the flow, relax a bit more and as my brother in law says, CTFD…Calm the f*ck down. Mommy hood is an incredible adventure and its important to take a step back here and there and see how blessed we really are.

The Mommy Maven's

I’m sure you are all wondering where the hell I’ve been and I do feel like a bad blogger for falling off but its for a very exciting reason. Liat and I have started a new business….yes you heard right, and we are finally following through with this one!

I’d like to introduce you all to “The Mommy Mavens” J This business came about after Liat and I realized that SO many people need help with baby related advice. Baby nurse recs, what stroller should I get, do you like your pediatrician, and over and over again, can you check my registry. Since we love helping our friends, we decided to take it to the next level and start this business.

Although we’re starting to work with you while you’re pregnant in preparation for baby we would also like to continue to be there for you after the baby makes his/her debut. Eventually we would like to build a little mommy community where we can have social events to get us mamas together, talking and helping one another. As all you moms out there know, having a baby is the best and most challenging job you will ever have! Someone once described being a new mom as starting a new position where you’re given no direction and your boss speaks a different language. Well we wanna be there to translate. If you have any questions or feedback please email us talishustik@gmail.com or liatkletz@gmail.com

Leaving the babe behind

I remember when Tyler (my nephew) was a baby I would make fun of Liat because she would never leave him with the daycare at Equinox or go away without him. I would say “when I have a baby they’re gonna be independent and I’m gonna leave them all the time”. Let me tell you, I could not be more wrong!

About 3 months ago we got in invitation to one of my best friends wedding…in Mexico. I had known for a while it would be there but when the invite came it became all too real. We were leaving J behind for 2 whole nights. In some ways I was very excited to have some alone time with Shai, and sit on the beach without making sure I have SPF 50, an umbrella, a bottle, a change of clothes, snacks, diapers, toys and anything else I can shove into my diaper bag. However in more ways, I was so anxious, scared and sad. I have been with Jagger for 24 hours for 250 days straight. The week leading up to the wedding I had multiple bouts of hysteria where Shai would only add fuel to the fire. We should travel separate, I’m not coming, you and Liat go instead and so on. I know this all sounds crazy but just wait till you have a baby and you will understand what I mean. He is my entire being, point blank.

So its now Thursday night and the bags are packed after a very teary bedtime with Jagger. Our flight was at 11am so the plan was as follows. We would play with him from 6-8 the following morning then as soon as we put him down for his first nap we would leave and Liat and Kevin would take him the Hamptons. Jagger and Tyler’s babysitters were coming for the weekend too so there would be a 4:3 ratio of adults to kids. I even boot camped Liat on Jaggers feeding routine, bedtime, playtime and so on. We had this down to a science so Shai and I can go relax and have fun. But as you all know, NOTHING ever goes to plan when you have kids.

As Shai and I lay in be making jokes about not going I said to him, tell me if you don’t want to come i'll go alone but make the decision now. After much thought he said he will come...good choice. So Jagger wakes up Friday morning and all is great and normal. We put him down for a nap at 8 and gather our stuff to head out. At 8:10 he wakes up hysterical, in his 8 months of life he has NEVER done that- F*ckin perfect! We panic. We decide we will put him in stroller for a nap and I'll walk him in the hallway till he falls asleep then go to the airport. I make my fist lap and as I walk past the apartment I see Shai frantically pulling his clothes out of the suitcase. Umm excuse me?!?! I freaked and said WTF are you doing. He starts saying it’s a sign and he’s not comfortable leaving him and I’m going alone. I got so mad and started yelling saying why didn’t you tell me last night! Are you kidding!?!? Liat and Kevin hear me (did I mention they live right next door??) and come join me in screaming at Shai that he needs to go! Before I knew it Shai's stuff was back in the suitcase and Liat was walking away with Jagger. I ran back, gave him a huge kiss then stormed down the hallway to the elevator with Shai a few steps behind. A great start to the vacation huh.

We don’t say one word as we walk to our garage. I’m mad at him for trying not to come and he’s mad at me for making him come. We get in the car and as were about to pull out of the garage the light comes on…we have a flat! You have to be kidding me!! Could this morning get any worse?!? We get out the car and Shai's mumbling about how this is a sign and we shouldn’t go but I pretend not to hear him as I call a cab. We get in and I look at Shai. He looks like a mess and keeps saying he doesn’t feel right about going. I tell him make your decision now. He’s reaching for the handle about to get out as we make a right turn onto the FDR..too bad so sad, looks like your coming babe.

We go through the airport in silence and once I got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore I called my friend to share this traumatic morning with her. She was amazing and gave me a whole speech to say to Shai, which I repeated perfectly and we made up. What would we do without girlfriends? We are finally both calm and go about our usual boarding ritual. I get on first with the carry on luggage so they can go in the overhead and Shai gets on last due to his debilitating claustrophobia. My 100lb ass has to put our luggage up all by myself while the queen waits to board...Yes this really is my life. I get on first and watch passenger and after passenger board and the people start slowing down, where the hell is Shai. Finally as they announce to take our seats on rolls my darling husband. He sits down and gets a text from Liat with this picture…

And he loses it. My big strong husband bursts into tears!!! I’m talking shaking, sobbing tears streaming down his face. He panics and runs to get off the plane and the stewardess shuts the door right in front of his face.

O-M-G. Well if he wasn’t having a panic attack yet, he officially was now. A few Xanax later and a lot of tickling my bear was finally passed out on my little shoulder. Crisis averted.

Four long hours later we land in Mexico and are ready to have some fun. We made the trek and were not about to cry through the vacation. Let me tell you, it was the best wedding I have ever been to. Tequila Tali came out and I danced like it was spring break 2003. It felt good to have adult conversations and chill out. I’m not gonna lie though, we did check in multiple times a day only to hear that Jagger did not cry 1x and was the perfect little doll. We got back Sunday night and was so excited to see him and this was the welcome we got…

A little blurry but he could care less that we were back :( So the moral of the story is that I highly reccomend taking a little getaway without the babes once in a while.  We probably won't do it again for a verrrrry long time, but it was a great weekend and we all got through it alive.